It’s widely understood that when people say that something is shit, as in “this is shit”, that it is clearly very bad, whereas something described as being “the shit”, as in “this is the shit”, it is in fact extremely good. In the last few years I’ve periodically noted that the phrase “this is pants” has the same negative connotations as “this is shit” but I haven’t seen its obvious (and I would say inevitable) corollary in the wild.

So it falls to us, loyal Cult Following, to fill this void. Being a just and benevolent leader I do not ask much of you, it’s true. But I direct you now to do two things:

• The first is that you start, in casual conversation, occasionally employing the phrase “this is the pants” in some obviously complimentary context. Later, when you hear it (from somebody not obviously one of us), report back with where it was said, and in what context. And ideally with a Google Maps URL, so that we can evaluate our progress.
• Secondly when you finally do hear it in the wild, you will quietly acknowledge (possibly with smug or ironic affect) that our reach is long, our powers subtle.

Also I’m thinking we should have a secret handshake or sign. Good cult followings usually do, you know? It would totally be the pants.

Tags: interfaces, lunacy // 5 Comments »

I understand that Microsoft is now thoroughly committed to search, and has been for some time. You know, catching up with Google, Bing and so forth. So can anyone tell me why search in their flagship products, on an OS they completely control, is such an astoundingly miserable experience? Because right now, if I have a PDF of some document somewhere on my hard drive or in my mail, it’s often faster for me to Google it and download it again than it is for me to find the one that I already have.

There used to be an Outlook plugin for this that helped a lot, but Microsoft bought it and, in their ongoing commitment to improved user experience and better search, buried it. And now the situation is so bad that people write howtos telling you how to download copies of it from warez sites and hack it up to make it work again. It’s seriously just that bad.

I’d really like to know.

Tags: fail, hate, interfaces, losers // 11 Comments »

Confidential to the entire world, and a certain young nerd who should know better: if you are always, always willing to work sixty, eighty or hundred-hour weeks for no overtime pay or comp time, then the managers you work for will never need to hire the people they actually need, ever.

I have more to say about this (among other things, about how “expected mandatory overtime” is a visceral affront to basic human dignity, rots organizations from the inside out by letting incompetent management flourish, and fundamentally undermines the rule of law) but I want to get this out quickly, so let me say just this: yes, there’s a distinction to be made between “this is a labour of love for a cause that I believe in” and “I am being taken advantage of”, but you do not want to gloss that distinction over until after it costs you your relationship.

Tags: doom, fail, future, hate, interfaces, vendetta // 2 Comments »

That’s all, really.

Tags: awesome, beauty, parenting // 1 Comment »

Exhibit 1:

More than 2,000 10 and 11-year-olds will see a short film, which urges them to tell the police, their parents or a teacher if they hear anyone expressing extremist views. The film has been made by school liaison officers and Eastern Division’s new Preventing Violent Extremism team, based at Blackburn.
It uses cartoon animals to get across safety messages. A lion explains that terrorists can look like anyone, while a cat tells pupils that should get help if they are being bullied and a toad tells them how to cross the road. [...] The film is being shown as part of Lancashire Police’s Streetwise campaign.

Exhibit 2:

BNP leader Nick Griffin has been elected to the European Parliament as the party won its first two seats. Mr Griffin was elected for the North West region while Andrew Brons picked up another BNP seat in Yorkshire and Humber, where it won 10% of the vote. Mr Griffin said the BNP was not racist, but won votes because it “spoke openly about the problem of immigration.”

Those kids’ll be busy!

Tags: a/b, doom, fail, future // Add Comment »

“So, how does it feel to be back at the office?”

“Well, in truth, some of the time it’s quiet, some of the time it’s noisy. Now and then there’s a lot of screaming from people who don’t really understand what’s going on, and every now and then something shits itself and needs changing. It’s really not that different, now that I think about it. Not as cute, I think.”

“So, we’re all a bunch of babies?”

“Did I say that? No, I couldn’t possibly have.”

Tags: hate, life, work // Add Comment »

So, I scoffed about installing a carseat, but it turns out that it’s more challenging than I thought; I was told this unequivocally by the person who inspected it for us. The gauge on the side, telling you how straight it should be? It’s crap, it’s inaccurate. And you need way more tension on those cables than I had. And I had to buy some cut-down pool noodles to lift up one end, so it was level.

I was told all this, in this very terse manner, by a fellow named Michael who installs carseats professionally. Michael is a black man, about six foot nine and maybe two hundred and eighty tightly-strung pounds.

You wouldn’t think this would qualify or disqualify him from installing childrens’ carseats, and aside from the fact that there’s a noticeable pause between when he starts climbing into your car and when the last part of him makes it all the way through the door, I don’t either. But a few weeks ago here we were in a lonely corner of a Toronto industrial park, getting lectured on the finer details of child automotive safety by a man who clearly cared intensely about the subject, and who was coincidentally the largest man I’ve ever seen who wasn’t involved in pro sports.

It was a little surreal, but only because of some shameful preconceptions, so I’m not sure if there’s a word for that? Something that means “surreal if you’re ignorant”? Screw you, negative stereotypes, you’re never right about anything.

But after he tightened those belts down, the day I need to get that thing out of there I’m going to need a saw.

Tags: interfaces, life, parenting, wierd // 5 Comments »

This has been in my drafts forever. I am a very bad cult leader, not sharing my wisdom; I will endeavor to do better.

So, it turns out that once you’ve got a good recipe to start with it’s pretty trivial to make your own pickles; they come out far better than you’ll get off the shelf, and unless you’ve got some mad Rabbi, crafty Slav or elderly Mennonite brewing them up in a kitchen near you, you’re unlikely to find better.

The vinegar in that recipe is enough; you should skip the boil-the-jars-with-pickles-in step since it softens them up, but that recipe scales right down if you want to make a small batch to try it out. And the eight-week waiting period is unnecessary – they improve, but a week or two is fine. Small batches in Mason jars are easily done, and pretty great.

But this point is key: Dill pickles? Old news, boring. What you want are basil pickles. They’re awesome. Not as awesome on their own, arguably, but when used as, say, a hamburger topping? A huge improvement. Use more garlic than they recommend and a quantity of fresh basil instead of the dill (maybe even throw in a hot pepper, if you’re so inclined) and you will not be disappointed.

Tags: awesome, food // Add Comment »

A: “Why do you think Maya was fussy last night?”

M: “Maybe because of the storm. The big change in pressure might have upset her.”

A: “How does she feel pressure changes? I don’t feel them.”

M: “I sure do.”

A: “But that’s because you’re old.”

Tags: life, parenting // 3 Comments »

10:28 <mhoye> Hm, baby still asleep. Is six days old too soon for Baby's First Espresso?
10:28 * humph tries to find capital letters large enough for this
10:28 <@humph> YES

A few disconnected thoughts that I’ve been meaning to jot down.

When we were in maternity triage at the start of this, there was a misguided young woman there who had apparently slept with some meatbag named “Keegan” whose intellectual degeneracy was discernible three beds away. Whenever she had a contraction, she punctuated it with a whiny, drawn-out “Keeeeegaaaaan…”, at which point he’d try to shush the woman in labor, a conversation that was roughly like having somebody drag their nails down a chalkboard that was hanging on a wall that’s just fallen on you. The moral here is manyfold, but my takeaway points are: don’t name your kids “Keegan” and don’t let your daughter sleep with anyone named “Keegan”, because jeebus.

Things that could plausibly be argued to be brilliant in hindsight but were in fact merely lucky:

• Learning what time the hospital cafeteria is open early on: key. Managing jello-related expectations is important, a man who is sent for Jello and returns empty-handed is less of a man for it.
• Packing a cell charger in the jump bag; the duration of our stay turned out to be a bit of a surprise, and being able to bridge a laptop to the net with a phone is gold.
• Toothbrush, change of underwear, change of socks likewise. “Packing in the jump bag”-likewise, I should specify; I can’t bridge a network connection through my underpants, though I’m sure that day’s coming.
• Buying baby an extra life: disturbingly prescient.
• Dimmer switches in the rooms on the baby’s floor. Yes, this has proven to be the biggest win of them all.

The first two weeks are supposed to be super-difficult, but so far it looks like that pain has been heavily front-loaded. Maya is well-behaved,  sociable and mom is already cautioning her against listening Crazy Dad, which is heartwarming but won’t work. We’ve managed to work out a way to take shifts at night so both of us get at least one uninterrupted shot at five hours of consecutive sleep, which is awesome. Boy, it’s gone by fast, though.

Two things which are surprisingly adorable:

• Baby hiccups
• Baby sneezes

Tags: documentation, life, parenting // 5 Comments »