January 23, 2003

Many things that I

Filed under: Archives — mhoye @ 12:00 pm

Many things that I don’t understand are happening.

Checking my referrer logs briefly, I see dozens of people
from Europe are looking at my photoshop work, specifically at my picture of
, and I have no idea why. France, the Netherlands,
Italy… I don’t know anybody in Europe. I’m barely aware that
that there is a Europe. That’s where we get dance music and
Germans from, isn’t it? What the hell is going on here?

On television last night, at about two o’clock in the morning,
there was a show telling viewers how great it was to live a totally
sensual, sexually-liberated hedonist existence and just basically
sleep with anything that might respond by twitching, while just
two channels away was another sex-themed TV show describing the
evils of sexual addiction, and how modern science could now fix
that by medicating you until your brains dribble out your ears.
That was only OK though – I thought I could have some fun just
flipping back and forth between them and trying believe them both,
but then I realized that in those two intervening channels there was
(a) a special on endangered wildlife and (b) a telethon! Now this,
this could be good. Flipping quickly back and forth between
all four quickly became the funniest thing since the invention of
the funny, and we all know how hard it is to find something funny
at two A.M.

“Once you’ve decided to set yourself free, and really
enjoy the pleasures of physical contact you can *click* see their
habitat shrinking rapidly *click* thanks to the contributions
people just like you have made to quality public broadcasting! We’re
seventy-five percent of the way to our goal of *click* of controlling
sexual desires with modern medicine. These new drugs are called
Selective Seratonin Reuptake Inhibitors, or SSRIs, that work by
*click* burying their eggs on the beach late at night. *click* You
have to relax, breath deep and feel the hands on your body as *click*
we show you Casablanca, uncut and commercial free! That’s just part
of the quality programming that *click* destroys turtle habitats
through pollution and overfishing. Normally, sea turtles *click*
spend hours every day watching pornography *click* and my wife and I
both enjoy it very much. We’ve started *click* electroshock therapy
*click* in tidal pools *click* for just a few dollars a month!

I’ll tell you, though, that I don’t care how good the sex or
the drugs might be, none of it could possibly be worth getting
involved with any of the people “featured” in those shows. Give me
a choice between the creepy-looking “set yourself free” bunch and
the profoundly unsanitary and overmedicated addicts, the fact is
I’d sooner sleep with the sea turtle than touch any of the rest of
them with a ten-foot novelty cheque.

That bit in the middle probably reads better if you’re strung
out and short of sleep when you read it. Try it, really.

Item number three – at school today, some of my classmates tried
to convince me that if you caught a coin toss at the same height
at which you launched it, and then flipped it over and slapped it
on your hand, it would almost invariably (read: “totally not half
the time”) come up the opposite of what it was showing when you
started. The logic, if you can call it that was that “it’ll come
up the same way most of the time because physics is deterministic”.

And, Jesus Freaking Christ In An Indeterminate State, these are
upper-year students! In my God Damned Faculty no less. I
realize you all think you’re the Leaders of Tomorrow, but here’s
the news: it’s a coin toss, people! You know, like when they
say “it’s a coin toss”? I was getting warmed up for a full-blown
spaz attack; I had a chalkboard and a coffee and everything, but
my quiz rolled around just in time. I don’t know what was going on
in these guys’ heads, but when I came back to find out and remove
it by force, they were nowhere to be found. Maybe they went off to
change Schroedinger’s cat litter or something, the weasels.

The University has moved sharply into the late twentieth century,
putting network drops in its newly renovated buildings! Completely
network drops that can dump a megabyte a second
into my creaking old laptop without asking for so much as a
student number. Are they asking for abuse? They must be;
I really don’t get it, given that there’s even going to be a new
Network Security program at Carleton soon. I do, however, absolutely
love it. It’s a slogan that’s been a long time in coming, I think:
“Screw music videos. I want my DHCP.”

I’ve got Perl and Scheme
working on my laptop!
This rocks the free world, and if you’re part of said free world and felt
a mild tremor recently, that was probably it.

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