June 3, 2003

Going The Distance

Filed under: Archives — mhoye @ 12:00 pm

I think we can all agree that women have a generally civilizing influence
on society. When you’re in a relationship that bar is raised that much
further, inspiring things like tidiness and more-frequent grooming and
preventing the rampant sniff-test grade-inflation that takes root
in guy-only residences. If you, like me, have been extraordinarily
lucky, you’re also in a relationship with somebody who’s very easy
on the eyes.

That said, women can say some pretty wierd things sometimes. And
by women, I mean “my girlfriend, Arlene”, who isn’t going to be
happy about this entry.

Exhibit #1: Let me set the scene for you. It’s mid-afternoon, during
an idle, layabout moment this past weekend. The love of my life is,
I had been led to believe, sleeping, her head on my shoulder. I am
gazing off into the distance, thinking no particular thoughts,
content to be relaxing on a couch in a warm, sunny room. I notice
her awake, now, and looking at my face. I look at her, smile, and
she says:

“Little people could ski off your nose.”

Ok, what? My nose? What the hell was that? I realize it’s not a button
nose or aquiline or anything, but it’s not like I’ve got the Bergerac
Escarpment jutting out from under my eyebrows here. What?

This caught me totally off guard, shot the wheels right off me. Even
at the top of my game I’d have a hard time queueing up a response to
the words “little people could ski off your nose”. Right then I was
barely geared up to parse the sentence, wildly ill-prepared to cope with
it. That woman has absolutely no regard for my afternoon plans or my
sanity; she casually shifted my ego from fourth into reverse and popped
the clutch. My unsuspecting brain, demolished transmission and all, went
careening all over the highway. I think I might have jibbered briefly.

This is the kind of thing that put Hemingway off adjectives, I’m sure
of it.

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