Narcoterrorism

I bought an Ikea desk on the weekend, and while the desk itself is fine,
the experience of buying it was horrifying. The next time I go to Ikea
for any reason, I’m going to bring along a dart gun and a bandolier full
of tranquilizers; there are an astonishing number of fat, slow-moving
and slow-thinking people in that store. They wallow in the aisles like
hippos in a winding river, drifting lazily downstream through their
own private home-decor Serengeti. They walk arm in soft, blubbery arm,
gazing with wet, beady eyes on the faux-pine that surrounds them, saying
“Oh, isn’t that nice?” between agonizingly slow, awkward steps, forcing
me to portage my way through the side aisles on my way to getting stuck
behind the next herd of their kin.

I don’t shop – I go to stores to purchase things, not to graze. I’m
moving, and things that impede my getting into and out of a store when
I’m on a mission make my jaw clench like a vise. Tranq darts are clearly
the only way to go, here.


“Why, isn’t that nice. Wouldn’t that look nice in little Billy’s
room? What do you think?”

“I don’t know, why don’t I just stand here and…”

(phoont! phoont!)

“Hey, what … whoa, I… I think I’m going to lie down on this
futon.”

“Yeah, I feel…”

(thud, thud.)

I would like to make the following suggestions:

  1. If you are in a long line and you intend to perform some action
    when you get to the front of that line, for example “order a bagel”,
    the correct procedure is not to discuss the weather until you get to the
    counter, and then agonize over what you would like to order. Instead,
    use that time to look over your options and make up your mind.

  2. It is absolutely imperative, having had several minutes to fully
    think through any questions surrounding your chosen front-of-the-line
    course of action, that once you actually achieve that coveted
    front-of-the-line status you do not immediately ask the attendant
    to read the entirety of the large-print overhead menu to you that you
    might accurately diagnose the particulars of your bagel craving.

  3. If you sense that you are hesitant or undecided about something,
    take a moment to examine your surroundings. If you are in a congested
    or well-trafficked area, specifically if there are a number of people
    using the same route you are and coming on strong, step off to one side
    before working out your difficulty rather than simply standing right
    where you were when the confusion struck.

  4. Eat a fucking fruit cup, or something. Do a sit-up. Put down the
    deep-fried pork rinds, turn off the television and take your morbidly
    obese children for a walk in the park, maybe. You should not have
    more fat hanging off your arms than I have in my entire God damned
    faculty. My immediate family could fit comfortably into one leg of
    your prescription pants, for Christ’s sake. Seriously: show some
    self-respect, fuck. Jesus.

There you have it. These are sensible suggestions, and I don’t think
they’re a huge burden on the average Ikea-going citizen. Look at it this
way: if you follow them, then your odds of getting shot in the ass with
a tranquilizer dart in a furniture store will be greatly reduced.