October 12, 2003

Where The Hell Are My Dentures.

Filed under: analog — mhoye @ 8:40 pm

Over the last few days, I’ve come across precious few interesting things. I’ve have, curiously, seen many things that are eminently worth deriding. I’d like to share one of them with you here.

The most interesting thing that happened, sadly, is something that’s happened a million times before and was, therefore, not as interesting as all that; I had to call the cops to break up a house party down the street that was getting out of hand. I don’t think I was being unreasonable about this. They’re kids, they’re drinking and smoking up, and what the hell. Sure. There were a whole gaggle of them, though, and it had the usual look and feel of being a party that was getting out of hand. So, being an adult, I went over to talk to them. Futile, you say? Absolutely, but everyone gets a chance.

So, I went over and told a bunch of the kids basically what I’ve just said here – I don’t care about the drinking and the smoking, and if they start screaming, breaking glass and honking horns, that’s going to piss me and everyone else around here off.

I got about forty feet away, of course, when glass was broken and somebody shrieked. So I went back and said it again. I took about ten minutes this time, for the yelling and the glass-breaking to start up again, and when I went back this time, there was somebody pissing in the neighbour’s garbage can. Well, that’s three strikes. Hello, police? Yes, underage drinkers, open bottles, lots of noise. Thanks for going by.

So boring, so stupid and so, so predictable. There was even the requisite 75-lb punk trying to talk above his weight class, out there to give me a hard time.

In Soviet Russia, the dead horse beats you.

I think I aged about ten years right at that moment. I am now officially old. That ten years might not have pushed me all the way to old, but a few weeks ago I looked at the pants I had on, thought “You know, these might be too baggy”, and I think that got me another quick decade. So get those damn kids off my lawn, that’s what I say.

I suppose I’m due. My body has been creaking for a while with the abuse I’ve heaped upon it, and my joints crunch and crackle in the morning like a prop from the Blair Witch Project. And that, to borrow a phrase, is the sound of inevitability. It’s only a short step from there to how things were better in my day, voting conservative and switching off that damn racket, and I’m apparently in mid-stride. I’ll tell you, though, now that my hair is clearly engaged in a strategic retreat from my forehead to establish beachheads on my ears and back, I’ve made myself the following promises:

  • No combover. None.
  • Likewise, no three-long-hairs-pasted-across-the-forehead. No toupee.
  • No, dear God definitely none of that spray-paint-on-the-head thing.
  • No bald-spot-and-pony-tail. Definitely, definitely no bald-spot, pony-tail and expensive convertible. All of those people have two things in common: they are creepy, and they are doomed. All the Brut in the world won’t mask the smell of desperation, guys.

Basically, get old with a little bit of God-damned dignity. Not too much to ask, I’m sure, but from my rough and unscientific observations it’s apparently it’s an easy thing to get wrong.

On the bright side, Arlene tells me she likes antiques. That’s a relief.


  1. Actually, if I can make one teeny request — could you have the majority of your posts “out in the open”? The whole excerpt thing is a little daunting…

    Comment by Kenneth G. Cavness — October 13, 2003 @ 10:15 pm

  2. “Daunting?”

    I don’t think I understand, but sure.

    Comment by Mike Hoye — October 14, 2003 @ 9:02 am

  3. If you hide them, it takes two whole clicks to read your entries. TWO CLICKS! And if I want to read two entries at once, that’s THREE CLICKS.

    Look, maybe where you come from, mouse clicks are cheap, but ’round here, each click was bought and paid for with the blood of innocents. We don’t waste our clicks lightly.

    Comment by Mike Kozlowski — October 14, 2003 @ 10:33 am

  4. Well, when you read several blogs a day, clicks *do* become a commodity…

    (looking sidelong at Koz)

    Comment by Kenneth G. Cavness — October 15, 2003 @ 8:39 am

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