January 26, 2004

In The Beginning.

Filed under: analog — mhoye @ 5:01 pm

Clicking on links over at Mike’s page, ending up at Jacob’s site and reading his conversation with Phil Schwan, something started rattling around in my head, lodging itself firmly next to this and some vague, unverifiable mention of a movie version of the Adam & Eve story when that dark corner of my brain that I cherish and fear started ranting on about the following biblical revisionism:

Genesis, Book 2

And the LORD God formed man of the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living soul.

And the LORD God planted a garden eastward in Eden; and there he put the man whom he had formed.

And out of the ground made the LORD God to grow every tree that is pleasant to the sight, and good for food; the tree of life also in the midst of the garden, and the tree of knowledge of good and evil, and a complete absence of pants.

And the LORD God took the man, and put him into the garden of Eden to dress it and to keep it, though apparently not to dress himself.

And the LORD God commanded the man, saying, Of every tree of the garden thou mayest freely eat: But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it: for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die.

And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him. And out of the ground the LORD God formed every beast of the field, and every fowl of the air, and not one single garment; and brought them unto Adam to see what he would call them: and whatsoever Adam called every living creature, that was the name thereof. And Adam gave names to all cattle, and to the fowl of the air, and to every beast of the field; but for Adam there was not found an help meet for him nor, still, were there any pants around.

And the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam and he slept: and he took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof; And the rib, which the LORD God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man. And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man, and this is the second time today I have woken up with no pants on.

And they heard the voice of the LORD God walking in the garden in the cool of the day: and Adam and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the LORD God amongst the trees of the garden. And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked; and I hid myself. And he said, Who told thee that thou wast naked? And the man said Lord I am not wearing pants. I don’t know how you could possibly think I would not notice that. Even your cherubs get togas, and they don’t even have genitals.

And the LORD God said I have made you to walk among every living creature in this garden, and be unashamed. And Adam said There are rodents here, And crows, There’s a freaking snake here, Lord, and that bastard is crafty. I would like to know what you are going to do about the pant situation. I haven’t slept in days, Lord, for I am not sleeping around all this wildlife with no pants on.

And the LORD spoke, and was interrupted, as Adam said Lord, listen, I am asking you a serious question about the location and current status of my pants. They don’t even have to be my pants; they can be some kind of platonic ideal pant, that you’re just waiting for the right moment to spring on me. But I am absolutely not going to wander around in a jungle without some way of covering my johnson. I’m totally ready for pants, Lord. Hit me with the pants.

And the LORD said, Who told thee that thou wast naked? Hast thou eaten of the tree, whereof I commanded thee that thou shouldest not eat? And the man said, The woman whom thou gavest to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I did eat. I wanted to wipe my hands on my pants afterwards but, whoops, here we are back at the pants problem.

And the LORD God said unto the woman, What is this that thou hast done? And the woman said, You said that it was the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. I thought that a tree of knowledge might help us with this ongoing problem we’re having with pants. The snake said it might let us know where to find some.

And the LORD God glanced at them quizzically, and asked What would a snake know about pants, exactly? And the LORD God was met with curiously furrowed brows.

And the LORD put down his divine foot, and said Alright, you two are ridiculous, Everybody out of the pool.


  1. I personally think an entire Adam & Eve movie with strategically placed hands, plants, hair, and other such objects so as not to acquire too restrictive a rating would be something to see.

    Comment by Nikita — January 26, 2004 @ 6:17 pm

  2. Heh. “They were unashamed. The animals, though, could not look either of them in the eye.”

    Comment by Mike Hoye — January 26, 2004 @ 6:19 pm

  3. “And the donkey, in particular, had a look in his eye as though he was laughing at Adam.”

    Comment by Lara Beaton — January 26, 2004 @ 9:15 pm

  4. I’ve got the giggles! Damn you to Hell, I’VE GOT THE GIGGLES!

    Comment by Sean Neakums — January 27, 2004 @ 9:55 am

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