It Puts The Lotion In The Basket

“Almost everybody does it, thinking that shaking accelerates the development process, but if you shake it too vigorously you could distort the image. A casual shake typically doesn’t affect it.”
- Polaroid Spokesman.

What with it being Valentine’s day recently, I’ve been trying to figure out ways to make a relationship that Arlene describes as “cozy” a little more romantic, whatever that means. I’m not sure how to go about it; even though I’m not exactly sure what romance is, I know for damn sure that it’s a high-wire act on a gusty day. It might go well, but there’s so many ways that it could go horribly, skull-on-pavement wrong that I’m reluctant to take those first steps out on the rope. The line between romantic and tacky is a fine one, and I can’t see it in this dim lighting. And, boy, that’s a long way to fall without a net.

I’ve been doing some cooking for her, I’ve got candles going and I’m behaving in a reasonably civilized manner, but these things aren’t atypical: my guidelines are simple – around Arlene, my behaviour is the exact, polar opposite of how I would act at any other time.

You’d be astonished at how good a guideline that is. Or, hey, if you’ve met me you might not.

So I’m not sure what I could do to improve the mood around here: I’ve made every effort to make every weekend we get together a good one, and as a result I’m not sure what to do to make one weekend stand out.

I suppose I could put a bag over my head. That might help.

7 Comments

  1. Jeff
    Posted February 17, 2004 at 6:05 pm | Permalink

    Why not ask her directly what she thinks is romantic? It seems like you need less a general definition and more the definition *she* thinks of…

  2. Nick
    Posted February 17, 2004 at 10:41 pm | Permalink

    I’ll agree with Jeff; I usually keep a subdirectory in my head with “Stuff that might make x weak in the knees”. I’m gonna go out on the limb a suggest that bags-over-the-head are not, well, Arlene’s bag. Try the unusual, the unpredictable, the thing you’ve never tried before. Also, Valentine’s Day is a load of crap. If you want a day to express yourself (in a Madonna way, not an NWA way), I recommend Thursday.

  3. Melanie
    Posted February 18, 2004 at 9:28 am | Permalink

    I agree with the above posts (smart fellows)! Also, are you SURE she didn’t mean “cozy” in a good way? Relatedly, are you going for romantic-warm, or romantic-sexy? Romantic-warm: cooking dinner, flowers, unexpected compliments/I love you’s, reading together (you read to her, not you both read separately). Romantic-sexy: candles, unexpected compliments of a different sort, gifts of intimate apparel, mood music etc. Lastly, as a female myself I can get away with saying that making life romantic is partly her responsibility too!

  4. Posted February 18, 2004 at 9:43 am | Permalink

    One simple suggestion for you: Put on some red silk bikini underwear, and dance for her like you’ve never danced before.

    No danger of crossing the line into “cheesy,” but perhaps a danger on crossing into “horrifying.”

  5. Posted February 18, 2004 at 2:41 pm | Permalink

    follow none of the above advice. (shudder)!!! except for the bag that was cool… draw a funny face on it, light it and dance around… chicks dig watching evolution at work! Damn it man… Does Arlene have preset buttons to be scripted out? Why not most people do i guess but is it even entirely wise to push them, if they do exist, on valentine’s like days? I say drop the candles, the gypsy violins and red silk dance of passion (shudder, girls look good in silk… no guy ever has)… i think melanie (hi mel, i miss you and congratulations!!) comes closest in saying there’s maybe nothing wrong with “cozy”… And for the love of god do not keep a mental list of things to do and say (what the hell kinda crap input is that Nick!!)… Buddy do you consciously want to appear like your trying a perset sequence of manipulatives on a doctor’s powers of perception! Say, think she’ll be touched by you performance sir prances in the silk thong?? uh huh… but suit yourself and send pictures if you do…(this sounds like a terrible plan, as you originally said in your intro, imho… spooOOoooky friends saying spooooky things yo…) don’t do it man! :)

    ps. I can’t believe you posted this! nice.. and wow dude, Arlene’s gonna kill you when she reads it! hehehehehhe

    Gambatte Kudasai (be brave)
    s.

  6. Posted February 19, 2004 at 2:15 am | Permalink

    whoops… sorry about all the typos everyone :(
    -s

  7. Mike Hoye
    Posted February 19, 2004 at 11:31 am | Permalink

    It’s unclear how “Cozy” could be in a bad way, but it’s clearly not the hot flames of sweeping passion either. Tragically, though, the red-silk-bikini-dance plan is not going to get anybody to that stage. Especially when you consider the fact that I’m not involved with a drunken homosexual fratboy freshman.

    And Nick, you are clearly off your nut.

    I like the read-to-her idea.