April 1, 2004

Transdental electromicide, you’re my only hope.

Filed under: analog — mhoye @ 12:45 am

If you’re one of those rare people with the drive, talent and skill to make it both into and through medical school, who go on to apply, for the benefit of the sick, all measures which are required, avoiding those twin traps of overtreatment and therapeutic nihilism, and who remember that there is art to medicine as well as science, and that warmth, sympathy, and understanding may outweigh the surgeon’s knife or the chemist’s drug, and who know that I didn’t make up those last few phrases myself, I salute you.

If, on the other hand, you’re romantically involved with one of those people then sir or madam, I can only offer you my deepest sympathies, and you’ll recognize exactly where I’m coming from here.

My girlfriend, en route to M.D.-hood, has been using me as a practice dummy for years, ignoring my distressed yelping the entire time. You know all that prodding doctors do to figure out if you’ve got an inflamed whosit or a discombobulated watchamacallit? She was doing that to me for two years, and it turns out that there’s an astounding number of wrong ways to jab your frozen fingers into somebody’s sternum.

But all that is in the past. Tonight, I found out that her latest plan is to have me write a battery of tests that are normally used to evaluate Kingston General’s manic, bipolar or borderline-psychotic clients. She has assured me that “normal people usually do pretty well”.

Awesome. Totally distressing, but awesome. I mean, it all seems perfectly resonable to me, but who knows? I might actually fail a sanity test. The best part is, most of my friends are just going to nod. Some of them might even shrug.

Just for references’ sake, apparently the symptoms of mania are:

  • Excessively high or elated mood
  • Unreasonable optimism or poor judgement
  • Hyperactivity or racing thoughts
  • Decreased sleep
  • Extremely short attention span
  • Rapid shifts to rage or sadness
  • Irritability

Lucky for me; I’m almost never elated.


  1. You’re boned.


    Comment by bella — April 1, 2004 @ 3:00 pm

  2. I’ll need a golf cart motor with a 1000 volt capacimator, stat!

    Comment by Mike Hoye — April 1, 2004 @ 3:13 pm

  3. Hmm. I’ve been manic for just over three months. Maybe I should see someone about this.

    Comment by nick — April 2, 2004 @ 7:52 am

  4. Slow down, Nick; you’re going to give yourself skin failure.

    Comment by Mike Hoye — April 2, 2004 @ 10:33 am

  5. Your “practice dummy” tale reminds me of another one involving a high-school friend, his nurse-in-training mother, and the run up to a practical exam covering, among other things, correct catheter application.

    On second thought, maybe I’ll just stop now.

    Comment by shaver — April 5, 2004 @ 11:06 pm

  6. Also: manic cycles aren’t all that bad, really. I’ve managed to build a career out of them!

    Comment by shaver — April 6, 2004 @ 2:35 am

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