I’m finally, finally back to having broadband where I live. Hallelujah. If you’re in their service area you need to run, not walk, to iStop.com. Dealing with them is absolutely painless. They do not fill your inbox with garbage or put absurd, dadaist web interfaces in front of simple things. They take your money and provide you with an IP address and commensurate packets. You’d think all ISPs would be like that; further, I used to laugh long and hard when I walked through the Management section at Chapters, ridiculing their walls of books about customer service, but no, dealing with Rogers and Bell has changed my opinion right around. Now I realize that there’s a great need for customer service and management literature in this world, no matter how trivially, stupidly simple it is, because most companies are so offensively goddamned bad at it that it’s amazing that we have an economy at all.
This, I swear to you, is true: I picked up the phone and called Rogers, and the guy at the other line said “Hello, my name is Dave, how can I provide you with excellent customer service today?” Jesus. Dave, I’m sorry they make you say that. No, now that you’ve said that, I can’t buy anything from your company. I can’t support a company that makes people say things like that to other people. I cannot, I will not give my money to a company whose chimpanzee middle-management thinks that might be a good idea. I’m sorry if you work on commission, I really am, but at this point the only way you can provide me with excellent customer service is by saving the last bullet for yourself. Make sure to put a few in the chimpanzees before you check out.
And then there was Bell, and Bell being Bell, it was worse. Even on my sunniest days I hate “automated attendents” of every stripe so much I could scream, and even among its peers, Bell’s is awful.
“Hi, this is Emily, your automated service representative. Bell’s customer service office is made entirely of monkeys in front of typewriters. To speak to a monkey, say ‘monkey’. To speak to a typewriter, say ‘typewriter’.”
“Our customer service office is now closed.”
My call to iStop was answered by a human, an actual live human, information was exchanged, a date was scheduled for the service to start and they were two days early. The transaction was straightforward, the staffer was cordial and the entire thing took less than 90 seconds.
And now I’m finally back inside the bounds of civilization. Phew.