Did you reboot?

Clutch is alive, thank you Jeebus. Finally. Listen though, people: I’ve talked about this before, but another word about Microsoft’s MN-500 router: do not ever purchase this product, ever. It is simply not heavy enough to club its creators to death with, but I promise that’s all you’ll want it for.

On to other things: I have a very strange problem that I’d like to relate to you. Bear with me for a moment.

I have, on the one hand, Breyers’ Natural Vanilla ice cream. This is a very fine vanilla ice cream, and is very delicious.

I have on the other hand a President’s Choice Sugar, Chocolate And Cinnamon Blend Grinder, whose purpose is to grind up the stated ingredients and convey their flavors to a recipient dish of my choosing. This is also a fine product, and has also been very delicious.

The problem is pretty straightforward: against all intuition and rational thought, when I put ground Sugar, Chocolate and Cinnamon on top of my Natural Vanilla Ice Cream, the thing that comes out the end of that process doesn’t taste like Vanilla Ice Cream With A Hint Of Sugar, Chocolate And Cinnamon. It tastes, and I swear this is true, like Genoa salami.

I have no idea what’s happening here, but let me say this again: when I mix the vanilla ice cream with the ground sugar, chocolate and cinnamon mix, some fierce invisible alchemy occurs, and I end up with a bowl full of cold, creamy Genoa salami.

My first thought was that I’d discovered the innovative miswiring of some baroque and darkened corner of my internal apparatus, but Arlene agrees with me, and she’s not broken the way I am. I’m as surprised as anyone.

I swear to you, this is the literal truth of the matter: cold, creamy Genoa salami. Seriously.

What the hell?


  1. Mike Bruce
    Posted December 8, 2004 at 5:35 pm | Permalink

    Eew. Have you tried just the chocolate/sugar/cinnamon together, without the ice cream? And is the sugar really necessary?

    Totally rad flavor suggestion: grind up some coffee beans very fine, and mix with the ice cream. This is super delicious. You’ll almost always be left with some coarse bits of bean, which you can either sprinkle on top or discard (they’re pretty crunchy). This is the best ice cream flavoring I know of, although I’ve never seen or heard of anyone but me doing it. Normal coffee ice cream is made by using coffee as part of the liquid (or something like that) and is bland and sucky in comparison.

  2. Melanie
    Posted December 8, 2004 at 6:10 pm | Permalink

    Experiment 2: I would try the supposed ingredients combined from a different source (i.e., sugar, chocolate and cinnamon) together with the ice cream and see if it is an effect of the natural ingredients, or if President’s Choice is putting something weird in their product. Maybe there’s MSG or some other weird flavor-adding chemical? A big chunk of the taste from salamis usually comes from chemical flavoring of some kind. Mix chemical flavoring A with fat (from the ice cream), and you get salami flavor?

  3. Posted December 8, 2004 at 10:00 pm | Permalink

    Genoa salami ice cream … wow. I wonder what the President’s Choice name for that would be. “Vanilla salami squoosh”? “(Drunken) Memories of Genoa”? “I can’t believe it’s not salami!”?

    I second Melanie’s comment. Also, you should read the part of Fast Food Nation about the massive flavour factories in New Jersey, and then this won’t seem like as much of a mystery (details notwithstanding.) And I could imagine a spice like cinnamon quite easily evoking meat-related flavours under the right circumstances.

    If it makes you feel any better, I once made a batch of guacamole that tasted strongly and clearly like banana. My housemates were convinced I had slipped some in as a joke.

  4. Mike Hoye
    Posted December 8, 2004 at 10:18 pm | Permalink

    Mike, you’re a genius. Mel, no: the taste in salamis comes from chemicals if you’re eating cheap, nasty pepperoni, which I’m not, and the ingredients for the PC stuff is “chocolate flakes, sugar, brown sugar, cinnamon, cinnamon flavour, vanilla”. The only dodgy thing on that list is the “cinnamon flavour”, and I doubt that’s what’s turning my ice cream into sausage paste.

  5. Mike Hoye
    Posted December 8, 2004 at 10:20 pm | Permalink

    “Memories Of That Time You Were Arrested In Italy”, possibly.

    I’m not sure how I feel about the guacamole incident, but I feel very strongly that it has been noted in the log.

  6. Mark
    Posted December 9, 2004 at 12:29 am | Permalink

    Mike, I’m not supposed to tell you this, but this is something you were not supposed to find ou-hey let go of me, stop it-flee, Mike, flee!


  7. Melanie
    Posted December 9, 2004 at 9:13 am | Permalink

    You may usually eat high-class, chemical-free salami, but are you telling me that’s what your ice cream tastes like?

    Hmm… brown sugar, cinnamon, and vanilla. I’m betting on the vanilla + the “cinnamon flavor”.

  8. Posted December 9, 2004 at 6:12 pm | Permalink

    WRT the router:

    Linksys W54G + Sveasoft firmware.

    Damn it’s sweet. After my D-link gave out, I picked up a new D-link which was total trash. The Linksys combined with the enhancements made to the Linux distro by Sveasoft gives me everything I want, and more. Highly recommended, for

  9. Posted December 10, 2004 at 10:09 am | Permalink

    Mike gave me an MN-500 as a present. I don’t want to appear ungrateful but the lesson is to be alert when someone says to you “for you price so cheap iz like gift”.

    :) Heheh by the way I’m home for a little bit this weekend and bringing Karen and Jamie to Ottawa from the 22nd to the 28th i think.


  10. Mike Hoye
    Posted December 10, 2004 at 10:58 am | Permalink

    Bitch, I bought that for you at the exact same time I got mine. If I’d known it was going to be that bad, I’d just saved the money and punched you, or something.

  11. Posted December 10, 2004 at 1:53 pm | Permalink

    Oh that’s how you wanna be about eh… okay but feed me not the same lame excuses you used after Godzilla 2000, wing commander, blade 1, 2 or the matrix 3! You can only use the “how was I suppose to know it would be that bad” card so many times before they spot the pattern. :) Tonight I’m probably going to stop for a climb around 8:00-8:30 at coyotes if you’re free. (ps remember I don’t have no cell anymore so it’s great if I see you and some other time otherwise). pps. maybe you should save yourself the trouble and just buy a Kia Sportage next! Would that then mean you buy cars like you buy net gear? Aren’t you suppose to be like a computer tech-no-wizard or something? (damn, I’ve run out of eggs) :) Hehehheeh I do greatly enjoy the wireless present… my deep thanks… and please send my best to Arlene.

  12. Posted December 10, 2004 at 5:20 pm | Permalink

    Blade 1 & 2 were bad? Why wasn’t I informed?

  13. Posted December 19, 2004 at 1:21 pm | Permalink

    always bet on vanilla… or not.

    Hrmm… Mike’s blog closes posts after a certain amount of time (presumably to cut down on comment spam), but doesn’t tell you until after you’ve spent a couple minutes typing it all out. Frustrating.

    In any event, because I refuse to throw away …