blarg?

Dear Woman Across The Hall -

Look, not to be mean-spirited about this, but if you’re an overweight woman with self-esteem problems who’s dating a reasonably handsome guy and the two of you argue viciously and constantly about the dumbest shit imaginable all the goddamned time, you need to get your act together and leave him.

The reason that he treats you like shit all the time is because he’s an dick who gets off on treating women like crap, full stop. The reason that this trim, reasonably handsome guy is with you and not with somebody who, say, isn’t overweight and doesn’t have crippling self-esteem issues is because he’s a dick who gets off on treating women like crap, and anyone who didn’t meet those criteria would have kicked his ass to the curb approximately the first time he opened his mouth. Leave him and do not look back; believe me, if that petty little fuck had the balls to do it, he’d already be hitting you.

Dear Guy Across The Hall –

First impressions, as they say, count for a lot, and my impression is that six months as some sociopath inmate’s prison bitch would make you a better person. Please, for the love of God, don’t open your mouth again within three hundred feet of my door. That’s all I ask.

Previous information provided by myself may have indicated that Shaolin Soccer was the greatest movie of all time.

That information is now outdated, and has been superceded. At the moment, Shaolin Soccer is the second-greatest movie of all time. The greatest movie of all time is Kung Fu Hustle.

Thank you for your attention in this matter.

Late last night, in a situation that a sane mind could not possibly believe would lend itself to the consequent imagery, it occurred to me that the condition of having hair on one’s palms should be referred to as “smegmata”.

I was washing a plastic cutting board in my kitchen sink when this came tumbling out of the back of my brain.

Humans, the story goes, only 10% of their brains. If this is the stuff that it spits out, I’m terrified by what the other 90% of my brain must be doing with all that free time. Nevertheless, it is not terribly original, so I suggest not searching Google for my new word.

Update: Steve Martin needs to star in a Yakuza-themed gangster movie called “My Two Heavens”.

Dear people-who-make-software, please either respect all of the choices I’ve made about screen color or reject them uniformly and completely. Don’t kinda do one or the other some of the time, sort-of. Not even if your favorite background image is, like, totally awesome. Just choose one of those options and stick with it, so that my light-grey text on your light-grey backgrounds doesn’t make your product completely unusable.

This was a solved problem on Windows 3.0 and MacOS 7.1.

Arlene and I visited the Ottawa-Gatineau Auto Show this weekend on a lark, and if any of you are considering going, skip it. I went to this crappy auto show so you don’t have to.

Innovative work in the automotive space includes the new, tiny little Smart Car and basically nothing else.
BMW and Honda didn’t even put in an appearance. Some Porsches were there, including the much-drooled-over Carrera GT, but it’s hard to appreciate the beauty of an admittedly beautiful machine like that with the hood down, the doors shut and nobody allowed within ten feet of it. Likwise the “Exotic” car section, which included four identical Lamborghinis likewise closed up and locked away. Very disappointing.

The rest of it was completely, painfully uninspiring. This year’s cars and trucks are basically last year’s cars and trucks, just a little rounder and puffier. Trucks are, surprise surprise, a little bigger. But that’s it; this year’s new cars are apparently as exciting as watching chalk dry. Walking around the parking lot at your local BMW dealership for half an hour would be cheaper and suck less.

Seriously, answer me this: why would you have a car show, whose target market is presumably “people who like to look at nice cars” and fill it full of SUVs and minivans?

There was a narrowly-averted crisis earlier in the week, when a miscalculation (wherein nine hundred dry-weight grams of navy beans was deemed to equal slightly less than one pound) resulted in a monstrous oversupply of baked beans in Casa Hoye. Ominous!

My appetites are legion and every one a monster, but I am not a man capable of consuming four and a half pounds of baked beans; further, I’d say that it’s better for all concerned, by which I mean my fiancee, my neighbors, the fabric of my trousers and possibly the ozone layer, that I not even try. But SMS is the poor man’s bat-signal, and my staunch group of stalwart friends immediately formed a posse on hearing the news. A good crowed showed up with bread and beer, a workmanlike dinner ensued, and a good time was had by all.

And we killed that whole crock-pot, thank God.

Anyone who’d like to be informed in the event of future food-oversupply flanking actions, feel free to let me know.

Sisyphus, son of Aeolus, is forced as punishment for his transgressions against the Gods to roll a block of stone up a steep hill, where he will use it as a workbench to reinvent SCSI, only to have it tumble back down to the bottom where he will be forced to start over. The process resumes, destined to last all eternity; this punishment is depicted on many a Greek vase, though typically omitting the “reinventing SCSI” part, which is difficult to represent iconically, and somewhat redundant considering the rest of the metaphor anyway, and there’s only so much room on a vase, OK?

Theseus, who according to legend is the hero who rid the world of Sisyphus, is not typically depicted on these vases, presumably due to compatibility issues.

Occasionally in Windows XP a USB keychain or thumb-drive will steal a drive letter from a network drive – that is, you can plug in the keychain drive and it will be assigned the drive letter “G:\” (for example), so you can’t get to the artist formerly known as “G:\”, your network drive. And, occasionally, this happens the other way around; you plug in a USB keychain and it plain old doesn’t show up, because it lost whatever behind-the-scenes tug-of-war goes on for already-used drive letters, for which there is apparently no consolation prize.

It does this because we are in the future, where technology has made our lives an idyllic paradise, simple and stress free.

The fix is pretty straightforward: with the keychain plugged in, Control panel ->
administrative tools -> computer management -> disk management and manually reassign the drive letter for the keychain to something unused. Commit the changes, close the disk manager, unplug the drive, plug it back in, and it should show up this time, as the chosen drive letter. Can’t hurt to reboot, just to be sure.

How you can write an “AssignDriveLetter()” widget without a “DidWeAlreadyUseThatLetter()” widget lying around is a question better left to the Gods, I’m sure.

Congratulations, Nikita!

Just the other day, Shaver boned his RSS feed, so that everybody at Planet Mozilla though that tonight was that night last July that he dropped by Chu Shing. Not only did he fix his feed, but he actually dropped by Chu Shing, just to be sure.

Crafty!