These Are The People In My Neighborhood

Dear Woman Across The Hall –

Look, not to be mean-spirited about this, but if you’re an overweight woman with self-esteem problems who’s dating a reasonably handsome guy and the two of you argue viciously and constantly about the dumbest shit imaginable all the goddamned time, you need to get your act together and leave him.

The reason that he treats you like shit all the time is because he’s an dick who gets off on treating women like crap, full stop. The reason that this trim, reasonably handsome guy is with you and not with somebody who, say, isn’t overweight and doesn’t have crippling self-esteem issues is because he’s a dick who gets off on treating women like crap, and anyone who didn’t meet those criteria would have kicked his ass to the curb approximately the first time he opened his mouth. Leave him and do not look back; believe me, if that petty little fuck had the balls to do it, he’d already be hitting you.

Dear Guy Across The Hall –

First impressions, as they say, count for a lot, and my impression is that six months as some sociopath inmate’s prison bitch would make you a better person. Please, for the love of God, don’t open your mouth again within three hundred feet of my door. That’s all I ask.


  1. John
    Posted March 30, 2005 at 11:07 am | Permalink

    Where do you live, again?

    I think I know them.

  2. Mike Hoye
    Posted March 30, 2005 at 11:15 am | Permalink

    No kidding. It’s all “Dysfunctional Archetypes On Parade” over here.

  3. John
    Posted March 30, 2005 at 11:18 am | Permalink

    Have you got “Schizophrenic man who is off his meds”?

  4. Mike Hoye
    Posted March 30, 2005 at 11:25 am | Permalink

    Well, we’ve got “Insomniac Obsessive-Compulsive Piano Movers” directly upstairs, if you’re up for some real novelty, and the occasional “Alcoholic Arguing With The Voices” down the street. And we’re right down the street from the Roman-Catholic Diocese, which is presumably a hotbed of deep-seated psychological trauma, a variety pack if you will, but I don’t think we’ve got an Off-Med Schizo nearby.

  5. John
    Posted March 30, 2005 at 12:07 pm | Permalink

    Off-Med Schizo had the cops called on him twice in two days, and appears to have stopped screaming at the invisible people 16 hours a day. Maybe he’s back on his meds.

  6. Melanie
    Posted March 30, 2005 at 4:21 pm | Permalink

    Ahh.. good times. I remember “Coke addicted man whose apartment is infested with maggots and who thinks he’s Shaft” from my days in Baltimore. These days it’s just “old couple who refuse to shovel their half of the driveway and park so I can’t get my car in”.

    At least “Coke-addicted man” was a good conversation piece. “What’s that? Gunshot?” “Nah, it’s just Coke-addicted man shooting off his BB gun inside the apartment again.”

  7. Ben
    Posted March 31, 2005 at 11:41 am | Permalink

    I’ll see your Piano Movers and raise you Cowboy Who Drowns Puppys in His Toilet. At least, that’s what it sounds like.

    Still, better than the couple above my last place who had large parties literally all night, every night for several months running. Parties at which they played the Steve Miller Band’s Greatest Hits *exclusively*. And then they started fighting.

    Still can’t hear the Joker without flinching.