blarg?

I need to validate my sense of humor, here, because apparently my fiancee doesn’t think I’m funny.

So: you can buy a wine called “Cat’s Pee On A Gooseberry Bush”, so named because that is the classic description of the aroma of a good Sauvignon Blanc. Arlene and I had nice meal a few days ago, part of which was this very acceptable wine. We’re always excited to find a wine we both like, so later on, we had a conversation about it, and she wondered if it possibly came in a red.

I replied “Could be, but I don’t know too many people who’d want to punch cats in the kidneys for a living.”

Now, let me be clear about one thing, here: I think I’m hilarious. I am hurting myself laughing at this point, I can barely keep the car I’m driving on the road, because this joke I’ve told myself is so awesome. Because all I can see is a pair of moustachioed, beret’d frenchmen saying

“Pierre, eet eez ze long day today, n’est pas?”
“Mais oui!” thud! mreowr! “Back in zee field, you!” (fling) “Gaston, hand me another.”

According to my deluded fiancee, this is not at all funny, and I’m somehow broken for even thinking it might be.

Dear political commentators, poli-sci majors and aspirant despots everywhere, please pay attention:

Please endeavor to finish the Discourses without moving your lips. Ideally, do not move your lips ever again.

Thank you.

“In the past, the most varied institutions–beginning with the sib–have known the use of physical force as quite normal. Today, however, we have to say that a state is a human community that (successfully) claims the monopoly of the legitimate use of physical force within a given territory. Note that ‘territory’ is one of the characteristics of the state. Specifically, at the present time, the right to use physical force is ascribed to other institutions or to individuals only to the extent to which the state permits it. The state is considered the sole source of the ‘right’ to use violence.”

— Max Weber, Politics As A Vocation”, 1918

“Government contractor seeking applicants for overseas assignment in KUWAIT. Excellent pay & benefits up to $60,000+.”

“The FPO performs duties under the direct supervision of the Shift Sergeant and the Shift Supervisor. The FPO is responsible for providing security, force protection and support for the U.S. Army’s ARS (Area Support Group) assets at various U.S. Army Compounds in the country of Kuwait. FPOs serve as team members performing individual basic combat tactics and techniques unique to military service. They adhere to post orders unique to individual posts that range in function from static posts to roving patrols to escorting VIPs or military asset convoys and other missions as assigned. They must be able to perform as a fire team member to provide defense against attacks and terrorist operations. The duties of the FPO are similar to those of an Army MP.”

“They must be able to perform all job functions in hot, dry, dusty, desert environments with or without shelter during 12 hour shifts.”

— WorkInTexas.com job posting.

“I will not outsource core functions.”

— Evil Overlord List #179

I don’t think I should visit my friends anymore when I have a disgusting sinus cold, no matter how much medication I take. I was oozing mucus all weekend; it was disgusting, I felt like a snail.

I realize I’m not a great houseguest at the best of times, but I will endeavor not to be some plague-bearing snuffleupagus next time I’m, say, visiting Jamie, Antoine or Sean.

This has nothing to do with anything, but it’s my blog, so here it comes.

In 1994, the World Basketball Championships were held in Toronto. One of the promotions was the sale of a “commemorative”, I suppose, music compilation with a basketball theme. It was extremely uneven – fun tracks like early Beastie Boys tune “The Skills To Pay The Bills” and Lords Of The Underground’s “Madd Skillz” are heavily outweighed by the presence of Kurtis Blow’s “Basketball” and Shaq’s… well, who cares really? From memory, and in no particular order, other tracks on the tape included Onyx’ “Slam”, something by Spearhead, a fluffy-but-fun “Skip To My Lu” from onerously-80’s-named Lisa Lisa and the Cult Jam and a small number of others I can’t remember.

I can find no evidence in any search engine I’ve tried, with any combination of song names or artist names that I’ve tried, that this compilation ever existed.

The only reason I’m bringing this up at all is that there was one track on it that I’ve missed ever since I misplaced that tape, and have been unable to replace: this tape had the single, tightest rendition of “Sweet Georgia Brown” on it that I’ve ever heard anywhere. Sidney Bechet and the rest of his crowd got together and threw down the most incredible, elaborate and uptempo rendition of that great tune, as fast and tight as any jazz tune I’ve ever heard.

I’d love to hear that recording again, is all.

I’m also kind of interested in knowing if any of you have a song, a particular track or recording, that you remember fondly but haven’t heard in years, for whatever reason.