That’s Because I Roll Twenties

When I set my small brain, tiny forelimbs and monstrous slavering maw to it, I can produce a truly outstanding sandwich. Because I am a giver, and I love to give, I will now tell you how I produce my outstanding sandwiches. Look on my chicken sandwich, ye mighty, and salivate profusely!

See what I just did there? I portrayed myself as Ozymandias, the tyrannosaur sandwich samaritan. That’s what I provide here, folks; the depleted uranium of textual imagery, both startlingly dense and utterly useless in any practical context. Go ahead, question my motives; see if anything rational or even intelligible comes out. I dare you.

So, yeah, you slice up some tomato and onion, some old cheddar, mince up some ginger and garlic and, twelve hours in the past, marinate a chicken thigh or three in a little teriyaki and soy sauce. Chop that chicken up, then, and throw it back in the marinade.

Then, on a mid to high heat, throw the onions and garlic into a fry pan with some butter and, important, salt. Sautee ’til the onions soften up and the garlic turns a nice not-burned-yet brown. Scoop it all into a bowl, and set aside.

Next, throw the chicken, marinade and all, into that fry pan and crank the heat up. The sauce will boil down to a very nice glaze on the chicken, and when that boiling-down part’s almost done, throw the ginger in there. Do not stir, or simply “spatula” the chicken – instead, shift it around with a quick flip of the wrist; this will facilitate your feeling like an actual chef! Remember that everything that goes up in the air must also land back in the pan. A key point, that.

When slightly crispy, and not burned, put all of these things you have made onto a fresh bread of your choosing, with a little bit of mayonnaise and some dijon. Not, I think, with pedestrian yellow french’s mustard or appalling ketchup, because we are not a bunch of filthy, miserable savages scrounging for condiments on the dimly-lit fringes of a dying civilization here. Toasting the bread? You decide.

It’s a little more work than a PBJ but I promise you it’s totally worth it.


  1. Posted September 15, 2005 at 10:58 am | Permalink

    Given that your burgers are indeed little meat pucks of joy, and politely ignoring the whole Cratered Loaf Incident, I’m inclined to give this exercise a try. What proportion of soya to teryaki sauce do your recommend? Dark or light soya?

  2. Mike Hoye
    Posted September 15, 2005 at 11:32 am | Permalink

    About half and half, and enough that the chicken is wading, not swimming. You don’t want that boiling-down bit to take forever.

    If you are not using Pearl River Bridge light soy sauce in every single corner of your life where soy sauce is required, your life is very slightly but measurably worse than it would otherwise be.

  3. Zeynep
    Posted September 15, 2005 at 11:39 am | Permalink

    I can almost smell this, and man, it smells _good_.

  4. Posted September 15, 2005 at 12:24 pm | Permalink

    Ah, so? Ya? I’ll have to give that soy sauce a try. Totally new to me, it is.

    As for rolling natural twenties, well, there are upsides and downsides to roleplaying…

  5. Posted September 15, 2005 at 6:12 pm | Permalink

    Is it merely a coincidence that all your recipes can be held between two slices of bread?

  6. Posted September 15, 2005 at 6:31 pm | Permalink

    Also, I totally thought “rolling twenties” was some kind of drug slang.

  7. Posted September 16, 2005 at 10:40 am | Permalink

    The reference.

  8. Mike Hoye
    Posted September 16, 2005 at 10:44 am | Permalink


    1. No!
    2. Obviously. As you know, the connection between Dungeons And Dragons and the street-drug trade is well understood. Rolling twenties is something of a ‘pass-phrase’ into that sinister world of low-grade meth and kobolds!