blarg?

Health Food

I made a mistake today, and I would like to learn from my mistakes. And because I have a weblog, you can learn from them too!

What was it, you ask? I bought a vegan muffin. “Harmless”, you might think but no, I claim that it is not so.

Vegan cooking, I am convinced, is a deeply deceptive practice. It is not, as they say, “cruelty-free”; that cruelty is only delayed. There seems to be some law of conservation of cruelty at play here; vegan cooking stores that cruelty, gathers it up and focuses it until at last it is sprung on you, the consumer, in that penultimate moment when you put whatever it is in your mouth, your taste buds recoil in horror and your regularity is seemingly promoted at gunpoint.

Presumably vegans tolerate this gladly, smiling piously with the same abstentious glee that led their monastic antecedents to flagellate themselves or set themselves on fire towards a gloriously divine end. And, if you assume that those old monks were whipping themselves with hemp rope, the circle is complete! But that doesn’t change much of anything, least of all the fact that vegan food tastes like damp sand, and the earnest hippies who’ve told me differently seem to be trying to convince themselves as much as me. Handy tip: you can tell the ones that aren’t all-the-way gone by the sad look and the thousand-yard-stare they get when they catch a whiff of a bacon-cheeseburger.

I swear to you, I almost swallowed my own tongue. “Mother of God, I have to get away”, my tongue was thinking, “and the front of his mouth is blocked! There is only one way to escape! Dive! Dive!”

6 Comments | Skip to comment form

  1. Ken Gerrard

    I’ve never had a vegan muffin, but my favourite cookie ever is vegan. It’s specious to dismiss all vegan cooking as low quality with a seemingly narrow sample space. In the unlikely event that you ever visit Winnipeg (why?!), Mondragón’s “twister” has been known to be incredible.

  2. Mike Hoye

    This muffin, I assure you, is not sample one of one, but the last in a string.

  3. Ken Gerrard

    Of muffins? Or of vegan food in general? If the latter, we must have wildly varying tastebuds or you have bad luck. I’m not self-deluding when I declare the aformentioned twister my all-time favourite.

  4. Mike Hoye

    Vegan food, in general. Cooking without butter, without milk, without eggs and worst of all, without bacon? Madness. I realize that Tastes Do Vary, but the notion of the Best Baked Product Ever containing no butter, milk or eggs is a totally alien idea. It’s like having the greatest sushi ever, except without the rice.

  5. geofford

    Yes, but the greatest sushi ever without the rice could very well become some delicious sashimi… wrapped in seaweed.

  6. Mike Hoye

    Yes, but that’s a different thing, and there’s a different word for it.