blarg?

“I’ll kill again”, swears Video.

I’ve seen two movies recently that I felt I should warn you about. They are (1) The Fantastic Four and (2) Ultraviolet.

I will spare you the details, because these are recklessly bad movies. Just astonishingly bad. “We know our target audience,” these movies shout, “and we look down on them with total disdain and relentless, unmitigated contempt.”

You know what? I lied; I won’t spare you the details.

Fantastic Four has no merit whatsoever. It exists only because Marvel Comics has decided that having its loyal audience pissed on voluminously and from a great height is a sound business decision.

Ultraviolet stars Milla Jovovich’s torso and a menagerie of elaborate devices that periodically anchor her in place and force her to make porn-star faces. While laudable, this was not nearly enough to atone for the soul-searing stupidity that is everything else in the movie.

Avoid.

But, let me share with you one observation that struck me while I was watching these movies which has, upon reflection, held true in all instances I can think of.

I have been playing a very small number of video games recently, mostly Halo 2 and Gran Turismo, and one of the things that I’ve noticed is that the physics engines in video games look an awful lot more realistic than the models being used in movies. Watching replays of a race in Gran Turismo 4 doesn’t look as shiny and smooth* as Ultraviolet, but the way they move around looks wildly more realistic than than the way CGI vehicles move around in any movie I can remember.

I’m thinking there’s some collaborating to be done there, that’s all.

* – almost, though, and that’s on a six-year-old graphics engine running at 300mhz.

4 Comments | Skip to comment form

  1. Guillaume

    You know, I liked Fantastic Four, mostly because I shut off my brain and just looked at Jessica Alba the entire time though. On the other hand, I have exactly zero good things to say about Ultraviolet, maybe other than the trailer had pretty pictures.

  2. Gnomon

    Ultraviolet is an unmitigated horror, agreed. As I’ve mentioned to several other people, I can count on my fingers the number of lines delivered throughout the entire film that didn’t make me cringe. It just kept on getting worse and worse. Vampires? Flaming swordfights? Oppressive fundamentalist government? Random snippets of bullet time and gravity defiance? It was like someone took equal parts of The Matrix, Underworld, John Woo’s corpus, CNN, NyQuil and a bottle of Jack Daniels used to douse cigarettes, stuffed the lot in a blender and hit “Frapp&eacute”. I haven’t managed to make it through Fantastic Four without falling asleep yet, so I can’t properly evaluate it, but what parts I have seen made me sad rather than angry.

  3. Skwid

    I haven’t seen FF4 yet…I refuse to pay money for it. I’ll catch it on Cable or borrow it from somebody, but I know better than to expect a pleasant experience.

    Underworld was unbelievably, soul-searingly awful. The most devout of film masochists couldn’t help but feel repulsed by that waste of Vaseline and celluloid.

  4. Mike Hoye

    You did, I see from the other end of that link, mean “Ultraviolet”. Underworld was good gun-toting gothy fun.