January 27, 2007

A Translation

Filed under: digital — mhoye @ 9:54 am

“You have reached Symantec Enterprise Customer Care Team.”

“You have reached a recording on a machine.”

“We are currently experiencing a high volume of inquiries related to the newly introduced Symantec Licensing Portal.”

“Lots of people can’t actually use our products right now because we’ve basically screwed the pooch. You’re one of those people, right?”

“Please be assured that we are working in earnest to address the difficulties experienced,”

“Computers are, like, hard,”

“and we strive to return to the excellent service levels you have come to appreciate from Symantec.

“…but we’ve already got your money.”

“We are responding to issues as quickly as possible.”

“You’re about to spend at least two hours on hold. Did I mention that we already have your money?”

“We sincerely appreciate your patience and apologize for any inconveniences caused by this delay.”

“We hope you like country music.”

There’s nothing I like better than giving thousands of dollars to people who think my time is completely worthless.

Fuck you, Symantec.


  1. My favourite experience this week was trying to pay my Rogers bill. I call the 800-number, with my bill and credit card in hand, and the recording asks for my home phone number so it can look up my account.

    Except I don’t have a home phone number. Will the system let me type in my account number? Of course not. If I don’t have a home phone number, I have to go in to the queue and spend two hours on hold.

    Why, again, do I have an account number?

    Comment by Quotation — January 27, 2007 @ 12:29 pm

  2. Yeah, as far as I can tell these customer-as-cattle processes are designed and built by people who never actually use them.

    Comment by Mike Hoye — January 31, 2007 @ 2:13 pm

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