blarg?

June 22, 2007

Birds, Bees, Creeping Horrors, Etc.

Filed under: Uncategorized — mhoye @ 2:49 pm

“I have no idea what we’re seeing right now, but I have a feeling it’s
really, really wrong.”
– Stan, South Park

I’m cleaning out my junk mail folder and it is saturating my brain with horrific images brought on by the bizarre, alien euphemisms that spammers now employ to worm their way past my filters. And it occurs to me that somewhere in the world, some young person’s first glimpse into the sewer that is consenting adulthood is going to come not from sex-ed classes, swiped copies of playboy (so retro!) or even just a regular old birds-and-bees talk from mom and dad, but from this cesspool of psychosexual depravity that your mail client works hard to keep you from seeing.

And as a result, some parent out there, I’m sure even as we speak, is having the most horrifically awkward conversation in the history of the universe.

“Dad, what’s a hymen cracker?”
“… a what, now?”
“Would mom love you more if you had a bigger piano?”
“We don’t own a piano.”
“Oh. Is farm fun what happens when you punch a donkey?”

Good luck, people-I-know-who-are-now-or-about-to-be-parents. Your courage astounds me, and I salute you.

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