blarg?

The Novelty Of It

The Maestro At Work

A few months ago my wife said that her relatives might find me a bit less completely incomprehensible if I stopped speaking in cartoonishly exaggerated, long-winded metaphor. I said that’s kind of how I roll. She said “you don’t roll” and I explained that it’s a metaphor, let me tell you all about it.

It’s frankly amazing that she puts up with me at all, but all of that leads up to this: about four months in after Maya was born, a colleague at the office asked me what it was like being a new dad, and since I like telling ridiculous stories, I told him this one.

You’re at the edge of a long, narrow highway, looking at a car accident; there’s the remains of a fancy red sports car by the side of the road, twisted and smoking. A man nearby is dressed in a nice sport coat and a collared shirt, looking either wistful or shaken as he stares past the wreckage into the middle distance. A police officer is there coldly surveying the scene, trying to work out what’s happened; he’s talking to a disheveled-looking hillbilly who’s clearly in shock, with a Larry-and-his-brother-Darryl-and-his-other-brother-Darryl voice saying “I don’t understand… it all happened so fast.”

That’s what being a new dad is like.

You’re welcome.

6 Comments | Skip to comment form

  1. Gordon P. Hemsley

    Wait… which one are you?

  2. mhoye

    I said it was a metaphor, man. Keep up.

  3. Mike Kozlowski

    This post is like spraying aerosol whipped cream on a clown nose, and then hitting a monkey with a baseball bat made of cheese.

  4. mhoye

    You know, it kind of is!

  5. Jamie

    So…this post about metaphors is a simile? Now I’m all confused.

  6. Mike Hoye

    That would also be appropriate.