"Technorati Relevant" – Technorati

March 11, 2009

Do Not Enter Here
Do not click these links. There’s nothing in them but text, but what miserable text it is.

“This is why I don’t trust anyone who’s job was created after 1990.” – Malokai, on Livejournal

It should be warning enough that an article is on TechCrunch, doubly so when you know going in that the title is “Are Blogs Losing Their Influence To The Statusphere”. So I should have known better than to even let it hit me in the eyes. But I did, and now I hate the world just a little bit more.
Let me count the ways:

  1. Made up words that are portemanteaus of other made up words.
  2. The uncited third person, blurring seamlessly into the Royal We.
  3. Questionably relevant, completely fabricated metrics given important-sounding names,
  4. and then equated with other questionably-relevant, important sounding things.
  5. More sucking up and kissing ass than a toilet full of starving remoras.

Exhibit 1:

“As the leading blog directory and search engine, Technorati maintains a coveted Authority Index which is considered amongst bloggers as the benchmark for measuring their rank and selling their position within the blogosphere.”

And if the author had the honesty to wrap up right there with the phrase “…and for just three easy payments of $19.95, you too can be a New Media Douchebag“, we wouldn’t be having this discussion. But it only gets worse.

“By the way if anyone here is in advertising or marketing, kill yourself.” – Bill Hicks

I struggled past the author’s bizarre “So why do I believe that blog authority is losing its authority? It goes back to the definition of authority”, as I politely overlooked the awkward, clunky attempt at misdirecting me made-up metric of “Authority” to the small-a “authority” that might just mean something else. I even fought bravely on past the bit where the phrase “Think about it” was hung out to dry in its own condescending paragraph, but when the sentence “With the right tools, everything is measurable” dropped, I gave up.
This must be what happens when the marketing worms start to shit in the holes they’ve eaten through your brain; do articles like this start to make sense after a while? Do you feel a sense of accomplished pride, publishing them?
I hope to never find out. We’ve had a glimpse of the intellectual abyss at end of that road with Pepsi’s recent logo redesign, whose attempt to link a half-assed knock-off of the Obama logo to every significant artistic achievement in history, the inexorable march of human civilization and the fundamental forces of nature is one of the towering pieces of epic bullshit of our time.
And somebody created that document, somebody else signed off on it, someone sent it to the client and the client apparently approved it, and somehow nowhere in that process did anyone say no. That this it too stupid for regular human words, what sort of con do you think you’re running here, that I can’t be a party to this. Or does everyone just shut up and play along and hope they all get paid?
This is a part of the reason that without Adblock Plus, Flashblock and Noscript the internet is very nearly unusable, the reason that in fifteen years everything that isn’t a members-only walled-garden or straight-up darknet will be automated processes trying to sell each other cheap watches and drugs.
And the worst part is, these jackasses won’t feel culpable at all.